Wednesday Weigh In: Grateful

HW: 252.6 (Sept 30, 2012)
CW: 237.8 (down 0.8 pounds from two weeks ago)
GW: 140's
Height: 5'5
Age: 49
Workouts this week: 0

I am relieved. The weight gain has slowed--even, perhaps, stopped. It's breathing room while I figure out what to do. I am grateful. I need it.

Wednesday Weigh-In: Chaos

Today:
HW: 252.6 (Sept 30, 2012)
CW: 238.6 (up 3.2 pounds from last week)
GW: 140's
Height: 5'5
Age: 49
Workouts this week:
30 minute cardio (2 mile) low impact aerobics x1 ? Maybe.
30 minute weight routine x1

Too much cake.

I have been over at my Mom's nearly every single day this week helping her (and my husband) get my 5 year old nephew's bedroom ready for him. And, my mother has cake. Not homemade cake, either. Store bought mousse cakes that demand to be demolished in two days while taking several breaks, just for a "small slice." Potato chips and cookies peak from grocery bags piled on the counter. They call to me even after they're put away into the pantry. Unfortunately, I am less than enthusiastic about this room make over project--so I am justify eating those treats as "my reward." That--and the fact that my Mom's fridge is freezing her food at irregular intervals so having fresh food (or even something cold to drink) can't be relied upon.

My stress levels are sky high. I wake up in chaos and come home to worse. I've neglected the house all summer and I plan to just leave things be until the kids are back at school next week. The kids do the dishes when I ask but never all of them all at once. (That's hard for even me to do.) Vacuuming (the other chore I ask them to do) is hit or miss. I haven't cleaned. I haven't made a menu plan for two weeks now.

Even so, that number up there feels a little unfair. It surprised me. Obviously, I have not figured out how to lose weight yet and live the life I have here before me. And when I say it like that, it's no longer a big mystery why I'm gaining weight. The life I have here before me is a life which packs on the pounds.

Wednesday Weigh-In: Illlogical Belief

Today:
HW: 252.6 (Sept 30, 2012)
CW: 234.6 (up 3.2 pounds from last week)
GW: 140's
Height: 5'5
Age: 49

Workouts since last week:
1 mile WATP w/Leslie Sansone video
at least one 20-30 minute walk with my husband and the dog
30 min (2 mile) Cardio workout w/ Leslie Sansone video
I don't quite understand the 231 pounds I weighed last week. I weigh myself in the morning, right after I've been to the bathroom, and I was 233, 231, 232, 234, and 233. The scale is rather arbitrary.

Then again, I did go to a movie last night and eat copious amounts of chocolate, including m&m's.

I've been inconsistent with recording what I am eating. Looking up calories got old, really fast! In fact, I think I only looked up about one day's worth of food. EitherI need to simplify this, invest more time, or find another method.

I really should promise not to eat any more junk food. But, I don't want to make promises I may not keep. I still have this belief, clinging to me like a stubborn toddler to her mother's leg, that I should be able to eat anything I want --and lose weight, too. Intellectually I know this is absurd.

Emotionally, I'm clinging to that leg for dear life.

Honestly, I don't know what to do with that.

Wednesday Weigh-In: Its Working.

Today:
HW: 252.6 (Sept 30, 2012)
CW: 231.4 (down four pounds from last week (Aug 1))
GW: 140's
Height: 5'5
Age: 49


Squeeeeeeeeeeee.

Man, am I thrilled to see that my newly recommitted efforts have made a difference on the scale!

I've been "watching" what I eat. I've been stuffing my ears with wax and ignoring the siren call of the potato chips at the grocery store. I had chocolate, but I read how many calories were in a serving and ate less than I would have.

I've been working out. Leslie Sansone and I are becoming buds again--and twice I've said "yes" to my husband this week when he asked if I wanted to walk the dog with him.

I've only been writing down what I'm eating for two days now and I think this whole looking up calories thing is for the birds --but it is for thin, agile, perky little singing birds-- and I aim to be one, in time.

Ending the Downward Spiral

This one.
This time.

It started with Tuesday's post, actually. I got hold of an article called "Obesity and Energy Balance--Is the Tail Wagging the Dog?" --a long and complicated thing (well out of my expertise) arguing that perhaps all the reasons Dr. Sharma lists as causes of weight gain (eating too much, feeling lethargic and not exercising, having cravings, etc) are actually symptoms of eating too much fructose--or something. They extrapolate to glucose, too, which confused me. (Maybe the whole chain of unfortunate events is set of by a combination of glucose and fructose, such as found in table sugar and HFCS? Could be.)

In any event, even though the authors were careful to say that their particular explanation of how obesity happens does not rule out making behavioural changes to manage it, I find myself completely demoralized and disabled by this approach. I felt the same way when I read Taubes back around Christmas time.

Perhaps one day I'll be able to "hear" whatever it is they are saying, but not right now.

The downward spiral, unfortunately, really began when my children got home. They were away for a glorious, quiet, and restful week and now they are back with their noise and their demands. It's been a difficult transition.

As well, I'm in the midst of planning my son's homeschool year. I want to start tomorrow. Neither of us are ready. As a result, I let the house go, this week, so it is now extremely difficult to find things and to maneuver. Fortunately, my husband took the kitchen in hand this morning before I got up and I was able to make breakfast according to my food plan. (Onion and mushroom frittata with rye toast and 1 cup of mixed berries topped with 1/4 cup yogurt. Coffee. Yum.) I didn't eat well yesterday at all. I couldn't figure it out. There was no counter space to prepare anything. I couldn't think what I wanted to prepare. I couldn't get my food planning sheets off the computer (more on that below.) I felt helpless and overwhelmed. I ate chocolate chips by the hand-full from the bag.

I didn't exercise this week. I need to do it more for mood control than for weight loss. I really could have used it on a week like this!

And sleep. The family, somehow, is back to going to bed at midnight (and myself later, since I need/want a completely calm house before I settle) and the kids and I aren't getting up until quite late. It's hard on my husband who has to be up at 6:30am. But somehow, in spite of my nagging, we get busy in the evenings and it is hard to get away. (My daughter won't go upstairs alone. She doesn't like to be in her room without me, so if I get busy--as I was with planning this week--she doesn't go to bed until I drag myself away. My fault, but I resent it.) My husband and son will take a bath--up to an hour each--every evening. We have only one bath tub--and my son waits for his father to be done so they can say prayers before he will go to bed. I often have to "remind" them that there's no TV allowed after ten o'clock and get them moving every single night. If I don't, things just drift. I should be over my anger about this, shouldn't I? It hasn't changed the situation in over 13 years.

Last, but not least, the computer started giving us major grief a few days ago. It was acting very slowly: programs, if they even started up, would run for a bit--and then not run for even longer. As I was trying to condense an extremely complicated Poetry unit from 24 weeks to twelve (and trying to determine whether hymns like "All Creatures of our God and King" are in short, long or common meter, what trochaic meter is and whether The Tyger by William Blake is an example of it or not. (It is). Of course internet access and the ability to construct spreadsheets were crucial for this task--and I worked on the hiccuping monster until I was forced to stop and run diagnostics. (Thank you, Major Geeks!)

My weight this week: 244.0lbs.

Amazing, that's still less than it was last week. By exactly how much, I don't know. I have to clean up the dining room/home office to find out.

The Honeymoon Phase

I am definitely in the honeymoon phase of this commitment.

Things are still bugging me--but, somehow, they are of no account. In The Beck Diet Solution, today's skill is learning to respond with, "Oh well" when things aren't the way you would wish. I feel like I am in the perfect, "Oh well." phase.

I have a workbook on anger called, The Anger Control Workbook by Mathew McKay and Peter Rogers. I began working with it before our family vacation but I haven't been angry since we've come back. I'm annoyed by things, of course, unsure about others, but angry? Feeling instantly enraged by something (usually someone else's behaviour). No, thank heaven. Am I yelling at people? No, not at all.

My first week of following my food plan is complete. According to the scale I have lost 5.2 pounds. This is astonishing.

Was it inconvenient to plan my food out everyday? Yes. Emphatically, yes. It took so long the first night, I fell asleep before I finished. However, it is getting easier. Going shopping helped, too. Here's the food record I designed:

(click to enlarge. It's filled out for today and showing what I ate for breakfast)

Preparing my meals is tiring and difficult. Oh well. My counter space is minimal and I'm running into the usual competition for space with the unwashed dishes. Do I care? Not at the moment! I'm just continuing to wash the dishes, cut veggies, fry an egg, wash dishes, cut fruit, cut veggies, wash dishes, assemble a sandwich, wash dishes, make supper. We're just about caught up (meaning there's only as many dishes on the counter as would fill one drying rack when washed--when those are done, we're caught up--until the next time we eat!)

I haven't been able to exercise as much as I would like. Oh well. I will get to it.

I like this phase. I wish I could hang out here all the time.

weight: 247.2 lbs
from June 25th to July 24th, net change: -9.4lbs

Weigh-In

I'm down 5.2 pounds since July 1st.

Woo hoo!

I have been focusing on two practices:

1) being mindful while I eat, and
2) eating only when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full.

The first was easier than I thought. At first, in order to stop myself from grabbing a book while I munched, I grabbed my son, or my daughter, even my hubby, to come and sit with me. I think all four of us may have even sat down together to eat! (We used to do it all the time but fell out of the practice since the beginning of this year.) Then I just forced myself to pay attention to my food. Interestingly, that started to have an effect on what I ate. I began to realise I'd really rather have an egg salad sandwich with spinach than oven-fried chicken nuggets with honey.

The second took longer to incorporate and frankly, I'm still learning how to do it. I began with keeping a record: when I sat down to eat I would record how hungry I was: when I was done, I'd record how full I felt. Then, we left for vacation and I had to gauge it "on the go" as it were. I began not knowing when I was hungry--to the problem I have now of suddenly realising I'm not just hungry but absolutely famished. I even start to feel a little faint. Sometimes, I make a wise choice and reach for a banana, a few times I've grabbed a candy bar.

I haven't yet begun a "formal" diet, though I've been looking through The Mayo Clinic Diet. I want to look at it more closely and compare it to Bob Greene's Best Life Diet (which I've used sucessfully before) before I decide how to continue.